Here we go again

I’ve toyed long and hard with the idea of writing about this and after a week of feeling a bit all over the place and talking it through with Mark, I decided it’s the right thing to do, so here goes…

I’ve been quiet on here for a while and that’s not because I’ve run out of things to write – trust me there are pages of blog titles in my journal just waiting to come to life! But my focus has maybe changed slightly.

Quite clearly 2017 was not our year. I spent the majority of it wishing away every single day, week and month 2017 had to offer and when December 31st 2017 finally arrived, something changed. I quite literally felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the mental fog which had been scrambling my brain for the last 9 months disappeared. Despite the fact I’d spent a chunk of last year telling Mark I never wanted to get pregnant again, I was moving to Australia (no idea why Australia was so appealing) and doing my very best to convince myself and everyone around me that I was fine and life was coming together again, the truth was, it wasn’t. However, New Years Eve made me realise that almost everything I’d ever wanted I already had. I didn’t need Australia, I didn’t want to never be pregnant again and even though things weren’t fine and life wasn’t coming together – there was one thing we could take control of and that was the huge gaping hole in our lives.

Mark and I have made a good life for ourselves, we’ve visited some amazing places, eaten in some of the best restaurants, bought our first home together, attempted to start a family and ultimately we’ve made memories to last a lifetime together. We’ve been there for each other, we’ve supported each other through things no one else on this planet knows about or could even begin to understand and yet there I was still mentally trying to run away from it all. Mark and I both realised that the end of 2017 meant the end of a chapter and the need to start a new one. December 31st we decided we needed to do something to fill the void 2017 had created in our life. I took the last pill in my pill packet, focused on eating right, cut down on alcohol, threw myself into the gym and Mark and I went about trying to start a family all over again…And guess what? Saturday 3rd March 2018 2 people sat together staring at a pregnancy test with a positive reading.

When I was pregnant with the twins, I put nothing on social media, banned everyone else from doing so and I certainly would have never dreamed of blogging about it for all for the world to read. However, this time is different, I know that Home of The Little Something gave me a lifeline last year that nothing else could. Deep down inside, I know that if the unthinkable were to happen again, this little blog will get me through.

So as the title says ‘here we go again’ we’re currently 15w5d pregnant, had 3 scans, a ton of tests, there’s only one baby in there and so far everything is as it should be. I don’t know what 2018 is going to throw at us but so far it’s given us almost 16 weeks of morning sickness, exhaustion, nerves but most importantly it’s given us hope. We’re taking it one day at a time. Are we at the ‘we’re having a baby!’ stage yet? No absolutely not – those words are yet to leave our mouths. But we are pregnant and all being well November 2018 could be the month that gives us our little one, starts the family we’ve longed for and gives the twins a baby brother or a sister.

As always thanks for reading.

Lots of love and positivity,

A xx

 

We’re having a baby!

I guess you could say finding out we were pregnant was completely unexpected, we weren’t even sure we could have children. I was told about my Polycystic Ovaries at the age of 18 and only the year previous had undergone surgery to remove my Endometriosis – needless to say we fully expected to have difficulties conceiving. But we figured if we didn’t start trying, we’d never know, so we came off the pill and got to it! Finding out we were having a baby (we had no idea it was twins at the time) and announcing it to our families went a little bit like this…

“So I still haven’t come on, do you think we should do a test?” The message I sent when I was 2 weeks overdue and the Christmas work party was only a few days away. Mark picked up the pregnancy test on the way home from work and no sooner was he home I was sitting on the loo peeing on a stick! Three minutes on the buzzer, test covered so we could both see it at the same time, we stood in the kitchen simply waiting for the seconds to pass. One minute left on the clock. Times up. The exact words that escaped my boyfriend’s mouth at the time I won’t repeat! But there we were, two future parents standing in the house we were about to make a family home. To say it felt surreal would be an understatement, everything about the situation felt like it was happening to someone else – we were going to be parents! Although just to ensure there had been no mistake we did another 4 tests that night and then set out about finding out what the hell we were supposed to do next.

With Christmas just around the corner we decided to wait and announce our news on Christmas Day. It was our first Christmas in our new home and both our families were coming.  When the big day arrived, Mark prepared what we were going to say, handed everyone a glass of champagne and made the announcement – “I’d like to raise a glass to our first Christmas in our new home and our last Christmas as just the two of us” OK yes everyone looked just as confused as you probably are right now reading it – note to self, if you ever announce a pregnancy again just come out and say it! “We’re having a baby!” The reaction was overwhelming and actually a bit of a blur, I remember hugs, kisses, screams and my Dad’s face – his eldest daughter carrying his first grandchild, I could feel his sense of pride and emotion and his hug said everything his mouth couldn’t.

That Christmas I managed to over-cook the veg, under-cook the roast potatoes and served dinner an hour later than planned but none of that mattered – we were giving everyone the most amazing gift! We were making our siblings aunts and uncles, our parents grandparents, our grandparents great-grandparents and most excitingly of all we were going to be someone’s Mum & Dad.

The 25th December 2016 is a Christmas I’ll treasure, together we shared a precious moment and despite everything that (unbeknown to us) was due to follow, that Christmas night we went to bed with a feeling I’ll never forget.