TIME

The funny thing about time is how much it dictates your life – you’re running late or you’re on time or you’re early or prehaps you’ve got time to kill or looking for something to pass the time or desperately seeking the illusive ‘me time’. But does anyone just stop and appreciate time? How often do you just make the most of the time you’ve got? Pause and just be in the moment. People can’t just ‘be’ anymore. There’s always something to be caught on film or camera. The first time my son attempted his version of crawling I watched it through my smart phone as I was trying to capture the moment to share it with everyone else – why?

Time is precious. Moments of time are taken for granted and if you add up all the moments in time you’ve missed or over looked or failed to focus on, you’ve probably missed out on hours if not days, weeks or months of your very own life. There are events in life which change your mindset and make you think differently about time. They make you realise what you’ve got or what you had – why didn’t you appreciate it before? Because you took it for granted.

The last two weeks of my life have been an absolute whirlwind. You think things are coming together, you think maybe (for a change) things are how you want them to be but then life throws everything up in the air and suddenly time stands still. Everyday waiting on a phonecall or a test result or a moment when you don’t feel like your heart is free falling through your entire body. The last two weeks have dragged and I’ve wished my time away.

The funny thing about time is, time can’t win, it goes too fast, drags or there isn’t enough of it. Make the most of your time, take a moment to look around you, appreciate who you have in your life, what you’ve got and embrace everything you’ve ever taken for granted because one day something might threaten what you’ve got and the time you have and that’s when you realise that actually, times the most precious thing of all.

Setting the goals

So I think I’ve found my favourite new flowers, at a time I’m also trying to find a new direction.

I think one of the hardest lessons I’ve learnt over the past few months is that you can’t do it all. I’ve never relied on what I do on Instagram to pay my bills (my real job does that) but I have relied on Instagram as an outlet, a way of connecting with people who have similar interests and ultimately what I get up to on here is my hobby.

Do I want to share everything about my life? Not really. Snippets of my life is fine but having run down my shop and changed my insta handle to match my blog, I’m kinda feeling what now? What next? Do I even need a direction?

I follow so many different accounts on Instagram and speak to so many people that more often than not, I’m hearing people say they feel restricted by the persona they’ve created on social media, feeling like they can’t stray from the online identity they’ve created for themselves. So what do you do? Join the masses? Post aimless daily instastories? Take a ton of photos hoping to get the perfect shot for your page? Is that what social medias really all about?

I spoke to someone recently who said before you can set your goals you need an aim. So what are my aims? What’s the purpose behind the page?

I’m constantly working on so many new projects, maybe it’s time to streamline, refocus & make social media more about the social again. But for now I need to make it a hobby again, focus on the purpose and reset the goals…watch this space.

Time for a change

 

I guess this is a bit of an update, a message to introduce the next chapter so here it is…

Today is the first day of the summer holidays and for those of you who have read the blog or know me well, you’ll know this is generally my least favourite time of year! Why? I hear all the non-teachers out there scream! Well because as I explained in Apparently times a healer, school holidays are usually the time when you’re home alone, with too much time on your hands and somehow those ‘black hole’ emotions find a way of creeping back into your life and take you back to a place you don’t want to go. But not this holiday. See I’ve made a conscious decision – one that I think needed to be made – I’ve said time and time again that aside from Mark and my need to lift heavy weights at the gym and punish my body with all sorts of physical workouts! The only other thing that truly got me through last year and mentally helped me to rebuild myself was this little blog. In a strange way, writing things down meant they were no longer floating around my head. As much as both Mark and I have an extremely supportive network of family and friends, sometimes, you can’t say things as well as you could if you were to write them down and if there’s any proof in that, it’s the number of people who have spoken to me after reading a post and said ‘I had no idea you felt like that’. But that’s the point, I didn’t want people to carry the burden of my emotions as well as their own, so Home of The Little Something carried them for me and together we’ve made it through this far.

But back to this year’s holiday plan – so I’ve got 6 empty weeks ahead of me, we’re not going away as we’ve got a few bits left to do with the house before the baby arrives in November, I didn’t want to fly or leave the country (yes I’m a crazy pregnant lady) plus Mark’s new job means annual leave is pretty much non-existent over the next couple of months. But for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m ok with that. The thought of being at home for 6 weeks is actually alright. I plan to write, finally launch The Little Something Company, write some more, eat carrot cake, meet up with friends and family, drink decaf coffee and make the most of what could be the last ever summer holiday on my own. And with this change of mindset comes a change of tone for Home of the Little Something too. Both Mark and I have come a long way since I started this blog, we’ve started our next chapter and with everything else in life, I think the blog needs to start the next chapter as well, evolve a bit and catch up with where life is at now. The story of the twins will still very much be a part of my writing – there’s still so much of their story to tell but so will this pregnancy, where we’re at now and what got us through.

If I were to update you with where things are as of today – mentally I still have my moments, only last weekend pregnancy anxiety crept in, negative thoughts and freaky dreams took up most of our Saturday! But Mark and I are the strongest we’ve been, we have more of an understanding of each other, we’re supporting each other through this pregnancy and we’re together, a team and whatever life intends to throw at us we’ll tackle it head on and work our way through it. We will forever be the twins parents and they will forever be a part of our family, our hearts and our story but it’s time to start focusing on what’s to come for our little family. The twins will have a baby brother in a matter of months and right now focusing on him and his pregnancy story feels like the right thing to do and I’ve already got the title of my next post ready to go.

Lots of love as always,

A xx

Here we go again

I’ve toyed long and hard with the idea of writing about this and after a week of feeling a bit all over the place and talking it through with Mark, I decided it’s the right thing to do, so here goes…

I’ve been quiet on here for a while and that’s not because I’ve run out of things to write – trust me there are pages of blog titles in my journal just waiting to come to life! But my focus has maybe changed slightly.

Quite clearly 2017 was not our year. I spent the majority of it wishing away every single day, week and month 2017 had to offer and when December 31st 2017 finally arrived, something changed. I quite literally felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the mental fog which had been scrambling my brain for the last 9 months disappeared. Despite the fact I’d spent a chunk of last year telling Mark I never wanted to get pregnant again, I was moving to Australia (no idea why Australia was so appealing) and doing my very best to convince myself and everyone around me that I was fine and life was coming together again, the truth was, it wasn’t. However, New Years Eve made me realise that almost everything I’d ever wanted I already had. I didn’t need Australia, I didn’t want to never be pregnant again and even though things weren’t fine and life wasn’t coming together – there was one thing we could take control of and that was the huge gaping hole in our lives.

Mark and I have made a good life for ourselves, we’ve visited some amazing places, eaten in some of the best restaurants, bought our first home together, attempted to start a family and ultimately we’ve made memories to last a lifetime together. We’ve been there for each other, we’ve supported each other through things no one else on this planet knows about or could even begin to understand and yet there I was still mentally trying to run away from it all. Mark and I both realised that the end of 2017 meant the end of a chapter and the need to start a new one. December 31st we decided we needed to do something to fill the void 2017 had created in our life. I took the last pill in my pill packet, focused on eating right, cut down on alcohol, threw myself into the gym and Mark and I went about trying to start a family all over again…And guess what? Saturday 3rd March 2018 2 people sat together staring at a pregnancy test with a positive reading.

When I was pregnant with the twins, I put nothing on social media, banned everyone else from doing so and I certainly would have never dreamed of blogging about it for all for the world to read. However, this time is different, I know that Home of The Little Something gave me a lifeline last year that nothing else could. Deep down inside, I know that if the unthinkable were to happen again, this little blog will get me through.

So as the title says ‘here we go again’ we’re currently 15w5d pregnant, had 3 scans, a ton of tests, there’s only one baby in there and so far everything is as it should be. I don’t know what 2018 is going to throw at us but so far it’s given us almost 16 weeks of morning sickness, exhaustion, nerves but most importantly it’s given us hope. We’re taking it one day at a time. Are we at the ‘we’re having a baby!’ stage yet? No absolutely not – those words are yet to leave our mouths. But we are pregnant and all being well November 2018 could be the month that gives us our little one, starts the family we’ve longed for and gives the twins a baby brother or a sister.

As always thanks for reading.

Lots of love and positivity,

A xx

 

Dear Life…

I wasn’t sure whether to share this or not because looking back on it now I didn’t realise how bad things had become. However, on the flip side, looking back on it now makes me realise just how far I have come and actually it’s something which should be shared and I guess celebrated. So here goes…

“Dear Life,

I’m grateful for you, honestly I am but the thing is some days I wake up like my head has been rammed up the arse-end of a swamp. The air, the people, the daily tasks and life in general is totally suffocating, relentless and never seems to end. The thought of going to bed at the end of the day knowing the only thing I’ll have do the next morning is wake up and go through it all again, seems like a pointless and meaningless task. I don’t think I want to do it anymore.”

Can I just start by saying this is certainly not a reflection of how I feel now but rewind maybe even just 6 months ago and it was exactly how I felt…every…single…day. I was tired of just about everything and as clichéd as it sounds there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  I can tell you now from the day the twins were delivered to the end of 2017, I had exactly 3 occasions where I truly felt happy, felt like me and our babies weren’t at the forefront my mind – which was needed.

If I’m being honest I knew at the time I was in a self-destruct, ‘screw you world’ kinda mindset but the things I found in my diary this morning actually made me sad. I could relate to what was written on the page but not the person writing it and I think that was one of the biggest issues for me. For a while, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be – a grieving parent, a new Mum, a heartbroken woman, a supportive girlfriend? In a way I think I was maybe a combination of all of those rolled into one. Except for the last one, the ‘supportive girlfriend’ I didn’t do that very well. Looking back now I feel quite selfish, I was so obsessed with what had happened and how Mark and I had dealt with things so differently that I don’t think I once played the ‘supportive girlfriend’ role quite right. If I could say one thing to the person writing that diary 9 months ago it would be this…

“To whoever you are,

Yes things are bad, yes you’ve been hurt and yes things are going to get worse before they get better. However, you’re not going through this alone, you’re not alone and YOU need to stop pushing away the people who love and care about you. Most importantly, you have to stop shutting Mark out. You’re selfish. You started this journey together, you’ve been through it together and now you think you can do it all alone and leave him to do the same – you can’t. Quit obsessing about yourself and be there for the man who’s been there for you through it all.

Whoever you are, get your shit together.”

Sounds brutal but needed saying!

The fact is men and women deal with things differently and the fact that Mark and I dealt with things so differently became a real issue between us. I couldn’t understand how he could go back to work, leave the house without having some sort of complete internal meltdown and basically just appear to function. For some reason I didn’t expect us to be so different which was exceptionally hard to accept.

So if anyone reading this now has been through something similar and maybe you’re not quite mentally where you need to be, there are a few things that need to be said:

  • It’s ok that you feel like shit (and you will by the way, there’s no escaping that part) you’ll more than likely feel completely lost and that the world would be a better place if humans had the ability to just hibernate. All of that’s ok; don’t beat yourself up about it.
  • It’s normal (I hate that word but it’s true) for men and women to deal with things differently – I wish I’d actually listened to the midwife when she told me that, things would have made a lot more sense earlier on.
  • Now these are probably the most important words so read them, read them again and then stick them in a place in your brain where you can readily access them – be kind to yourself.

And there you have it, a one page explanation and my top 3 tips for getting your act together and learning to function like a human being once again. It will take time and there will be some really rubbish times but if you hold on to the good days or the occasions that make you feel a bit like you again, then my friend, you’re making progress.

Oh and remember my 3 good times? Well they happened in May, August and December and in between each of them I kept thinking back to the last one and holding on to the positives. You will get through it just let yourself be and remember to share, celebrate and treasure the good days.

Thanks for reading – off loading that little lot felt like online therapy! Remember if there’s anyone out there you think might benefit from my random writes then please feel free to share.

Love as always,

Amanda xx