I wasn’t sure whether to share this or not because looking back on it now I didn’t realise how bad things had become. However, on the flip side, looking back on it now makes me realise just how far I have come and actually it’s something which should be shared and I guess celebrated. So here goes…
I’m grateful for you, honestly I am but the thing is some days I wake up like my head has been rammed up the arse-end of a swamp. The air, the people, the daily tasks and life in general is totally suffocating, relentless and never seems to end. The thought of going to bed at the end of the day knowing the only thing I’ll have do the next morning is wake up and go through it all again, seems like a pointless and meaningless task. I don’t think I want to do it anymore.”
Can I just start by saying this is certainly not a reflection of how I feel now but rewind maybe even just 6 months ago and it was exactly how I felt…every…single…day. I was tired of just about everything and as clichéd as it sounds there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I can tell you now from the day the twins were delivered to the end of 2017, I had exactly 3 occasions where I truly felt happy, felt like me and our babies weren’t at the forefront my mind – which was needed.
If I’m being honest I knew at the time I was in a self-destruct, ‘screw you world’ kinda mindset but the things I found in my diary this morning actually made me sad. I could relate to what was written on the page but not the person writing it and I think that was one of the biggest issues for me. For a while, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be – a grieving parent, a new Mum, a heartbroken woman, a supportive girlfriend? In a way I think I was maybe a combination of all of those rolled into one. Except for the last one, the ‘supportive girlfriend’ I didn’t do that very well. Looking back now I feel quite selfish, I was so obsessed with what had happened and how Mark and I had dealt with things so differently that I don’t think I once played the ‘supportive girlfriend’ role quite right. If I could say one thing to the person writing that diary 9 months ago it would be this…
“To whoever you are,
Yes things are bad, yes you’ve been hurt and yes things are going to get worse before they get better. However, you’re not going through this alone, you’re not alone and YOU need to stop pushing away the people who love and care about you. Most importantly, you have to stop shutting Mark out. You’re selfish. You started this journey together, you’ve been through it together and now you think you can do it all alone and leave him to do the same – you can’t. Quit obsessing about yourself and be there for the man who’s been there for you through it all.
Whoever you are, get your shit together.”
Sounds brutal but needed saying!
The fact is men and women deal with things differently and the fact that Mark and I dealt with things so differently became a real issue between us. I couldn’t understand how he could go back to work, leave the house without having some sort of complete internal meltdown and basically just appear to function. For some reason I didn’t expect us to be so different which was exceptionally hard to accept.
So if anyone reading this now has been through something similar and maybe you’re not quite mentally where you need to be, there are a few things that need to be said:
- It’s ok that you feel like shit (and you will by the way, there’s no escaping that part) you’ll more than likely feel completely lost and that the world would be a better place if humans had the ability to just hibernate. All of that’s ok; don’t beat yourself up about it.
- It’s normal (I hate that word but it’s true) for men and women to deal with things differently – I wish I’d actually listened to the midwife when she told me that, things would have made a lot more sense earlier on.
- Now these are probably the most important words so read them, read them again and then stick them in a place in your brain where you can readily access them – be kind to yourself.
And there you have it, a one page explanation and my top 3 tips for getting your act together and learning to function like a human being once again. It will take time and there will be some really rubbish times but if you hold on to the good days or the occasions that make you feel a bit like you again, then my friend, you’re making progress.
Oh and remember my 3 good times? Well they happened in May, August and December and in between each of them I kept thinking back to the last one and holding on to the positives. You will get through it just let yourself be and remember to share, celebrate and treasure the good days.
Thanks for reading – off loading that little lot felt like online therapy! Remember if there’s anyone out there you think might benefit from my random writes then please feel free to share.
Love as always,